Here's some background. Over the span of our marriage my husband has changed career many times and failed at more than once. I never once criticized him – in fact the opposite and always supported him and he's always thanked me for it. I thought so highly of him – like all our friends did. We moved three times since our children were born. He left a great job b/c he wanted to start a business which I helped run while raising our girls. It failed and he's now been with another company for 3 years. We wanted to move back to Atlanta area so we did but he had to stay with his job until he got transferred up here. He's been working long distance (gone during the week and home some weekends-this should have been the red flag but I trusted him too much). I actually felt bad for him. Anyway, he's been somewhat distant with me, working out extra hard for the past year to get in shape, all the classic signs. I approached him nicely about it earlier this year. We have an open line of communication (or so I thought). I even said if something was going on and he told me we could try to work through it. It has been hard being separated. I take of our girls, clean the house do all the yard work to try to save him from doing stuff on the weekends.
Here's what happened. Christmas Eve 2011 we went to get him a new car. Not just any car but Red Sports Car. I felt he's worked so hard and earned it (I drive a 6 year old minivan – not even a nice one but it's paid off). On our way out of the purchase we took one last look at the old car to make sure nothing was left. I found two tickets to the Atlanta Symphony from April 2011. I couldn't believe it. He tried to say it was when we went – which we haven't been to in 15 years. One time only. My heart sank and I thought I would die right there. He admitted to having an affair – I mean I caught him red-handed so there wasn't much he could deny. He said it was over months ago – another lie. Turns out he works with this woman and the affair has been going on for over a 1-1/2 years. It started right when the girls and I moved up here. He admitted to having sex with her 2-3 times a week – that would make it over 300 times since they started their affair. While this was going on I was basically a single mom during he week and some weekend he didn't come home b/c he lied and said he had to work. He continued to have sex with me and if we had any issues he made it seem like it was just in my head. I knew something was up b/c he seemed less interested in me and our family. I'm 5'2 and weigh 95lbs. I'm not conceited but I'm a very attractive person and have not let myself go over the years.
He works with this woman and basically lived with her at her home while paying rent at another place. I felt bad that he was in the small room b/c I didn't know what really was going on. The fact that he works with her means he not only risked losing his marriage but also his job and our livelihood. He always said it may be a little longer for me to get there b/c of economy but he lied and never tried. Not until this past summer when he immediately got frustrated b/c they were not transferring him. Turns out she was transferred to the Atlanta office and that's why he wanted to finally move. He never had any plans of ending it. He last "saw" her the week before Thanksgiving. He was probably planning on seeing her yesterday. He of course left on Christmas Day.
He's missed countless event with me and the girls and our family. He said he had to work numerous times but was lying to stay with her. He drove her up to Atlanta, took her to dinner and Symphony and spent the night in a hotel suite. This was two weeks before our anniversary.
He now his begging my forgiveness and says he will do anything to make it up to me.
I don't know what to do. He obviously has strong feelings for this woman. She's actually older than me (childless-which may be another reason he likes her). She's taller than me and sounds pretty good looking. I'm concerned that he's in love with her and I don't want to be anyone's second choice.
Last thing, he's also admitted to having internet sex – all starting about the time we had our first child.
What should I do?
This is something that only you can decide. I can only imagine what it feels like to find out that the person you thought you knew isn't who you thought he was. I usually preface statements with "to my knowledge", like to my knowledge he doesn't have a facebook account or an alias, and my husband tells me that it kills him to hear that. But I have seen it happen too many times, and while I trust him, I can't ignore that anything is possible. Personally, I would walk away. But that's me.
You have to put you first. Think about what's best for you. Ask yourself, is this something you can honestly get over? How will either decision affect you 1 year from now? 3 year? 5 years? 12/16 years is a lot to walk away from. But it's also a lot to live with.
Take this time and get the answers you need from him. Ask him, why he'd want to stay with you, given the circumstances? What would be different for you and him? for him and her?
If this is something you want to work on, set some deadlines for changes. Get some counseling. Make the best decision for you.
Best of luck.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you should give a second chance.
I didnt read your background because i think the question says it all . How do you feel ? If you want to give him a second chance and if you think the both of you can work it out then take another chance and do all you can . And dont stop until you want to . If you feel in your heart your ready for something new or you dont want to try again then get a divorce . Just remember once a cheater doesnt mean always a cheater . People can change .
It's pretty clear that he's already shown you who is more important to him.. No caring father would miss out on their children's lives to be with another woman. Not only that but he lied to you for over a year and didn't seem to have a problem with it until he was caught.. Of course he's going to say he'll do anything to make it up cause you caught him.. he didn't seem to be trying to make anything up prior to that and you're lying to yourself if you think he's really going to change.
Being unfaithful is what scumbags of the earth do. It is absolutely despicable. If this were some teen relationship I would say leave, or even a early marriage however, this is a developed marriage and you have kids involved. There is also a lot of time investment that went into this. I know it is agonizing, your heart might desire revenge, and a lot of your decisions will come from impulse. I recommend you have someone watch the kids, take some time off, have a little "mini vacation" to clear your mind and get away from everyone especially him. Find a place where you can sit down and gather your composure. Think about things like: how much have you guys been through together? (Being best friends, getting married, having kids, etc) Does it over weight the negatives he has done? How will it impact the kids? Parents? You? Also this time away will also give you a little sense of what it would be like if he was out of your life. This is a tough situation where both decision can be the "right" thing to do. Ultimately it is in your hands. If all else fails.. pray for guildance. I wish the best of luck!
Thing is with giving him a second chance there would have to be condidtions and ones he sticks to . He could not be at any time anywhere near the other woman. Also giving it a go and actually being able to are two different things. My mind would be always wondering the truth of what he was telling me. It's the thought of being duped I would hate. Could I forgive posssibly and could I forget no never.
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