to make a long story short, my husband and i have been together since the mom was 2 months pregnant. they were never together, it was a short fling that consisted mostly of sex, they never actually dated, and he never left her because they were never a couple in the first place… so please know upfront that i didnt come in and steal a guy from his girlfriend… he and i had several years of history prior to this and had not gotten together before this point because we were not aware that the feelings were mutual. the mom is not mentally stable (she has been diagnosed with psychological disorders and is prescribed meds for the issues), she was a high school drop out who used to mouth off to her mother and step father so much that they kicked her out regularly. she has always had a very nasty attitude with me because she thought that a pregnancy would make him fall in love with her (she stopped taking birth control and lied about it… we found out through mutual friends) and when that didnt happen, she blamed me and used to try to attack me on a regular basis, often letting herself in through the front door by having people pretend to be selling something and then bursting around the corner to try and fight me. it has been 6 years. my husband is a wonderful father who loves his daughter more than life, and i love her as well and have been a huge part of her life since birth. she and i have always been extremely close. however, about 2 years ago the mother moved to a different state with her. during this time the mother has finally found a boyfriend and hasnt said anything hateful to me in years. also, since they are so far away, we dont see his daughter every weekend anymore, now its only certain holidays and vacation time, so months often go by with no visits. the child is now 5. i thought that everything was cool because the mom seemed happy with the new guy and all, but after we picked up his daughter the last visit, she called us that night and started screaming at my husband and then asked to speak to me and screamed at me saying some horrible things causing a scene infront of her daughter who was in the room. when we went to take her home, we pulled her and her boyfriend who knew nothing of the phone call aside and let her have it. it was the first time i had ever said anything mean to her, as i had always tried to make friends or at least be civil… but i finally had it and bit her head off. to our disgust she started crying and jumped in the car next to his daughter and started talking about me and her father to her and wrestling with my husband across her lap when he went to give her a goodbye kiss… we had stayed outside and talked to the boyfriend who is nice for a while before going to say bye to her and when we got to the door, his daughter looked upset and confused with her mom *****!nq right next to her and she told her dad that he's a "meany" (by the way, mommy was screaming nasty things at the top of her lungs outside, so i know that her daughter was being manipulated to think what mommy wanted her to). she is a cruel person and ive heard from my step daughter before that she's thrown away gifts that we gave her for no reason before. shes a smart little girl, but her mother is so horribly manipulative, violent and selfish, i know that she has been filling her ears with her opinion of us ever since. we treat that child like gold, but since she is mostly at home with her mom, do you think she will be able to drill it in her head that we are bad people? the mother is terrible, but she's only 5, so she's still in that stage where mommy is perfect and she doesn't know how regular mommies act.
Suggestion:
That's a tough one. It will change, yes. Just give it time. Since she does live with her mother most of the time, of course she will have some prejudices. Your best bet is to feed her love as much as you can. It'll get through, even if it's just a foot in the door.
When you do speak to her, don't tell her that her mother is wrong, and try your best not to badmouth and criticize mommy. Believe me, my parents divorced when I was two, and they've always badmouthed each other. It does NOT speak well for one's character. If she says something like "Mommy doesn't like you/says you're mean/blah blah blah," the best thing to do is say, "I'm very sorry she feels that way, we would never be mean to you or your mom on purpose," that sort of thing. If she says things like "Mommy says you said/did such and such," be impartial. You don't have to tell her everything, but don't drag too many emotions into it.
She's going to see through her mother's eyes for a while. Just keep loving her as best you know how. When she visits, try not to drag in any of the drama. Make your home a happy place for her to be. You will probably see her test her boundaries, and your authority. Make sure that your house has clear rules, clear, CONSISTENT consequences, and no grudges. As she gets older, she will start to pull away from her mother's POV and make her own judgments. Hopefully the road won't be too bumpy.
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