It was 2 years ago in September and it was the first day of school. Her mom and my mom were on the phone that morning and my mom was on her way to work and her mom was at home because she knew that she would have trouble getting my cousin to go to school cause she did that same thing last year. So her mom/my aunt took off of work that day to get her to go to school. My cousin told her she didn't want to go and my aunt simply said "put on your clothes because your going!".
(Pause)I have been going over this moment in my mind for awhile now and i can picture the pain when she said that crystal clear.My cousin gave her a sign and she didn't notice……but anyway,
(Resume)My aunt managed to get her to get ready for school all of them(My aunt, uncle, her, and her brother) all piled in the car and they drove them to school. My uncle was driving with my aunt in the passenger seat and my two cousins in the back. Well while they were driving to school my cousin apparently opened the car door and looked out of it for like a second. My aunt turned around to see what she was doing and my cousin shut the door and my aunt turned back around.
(Pause)Another sign, I hate to get angry but who opens the car door like that randomly while its moving?? She missed that sign again.I think i know exactly what my cousin was thinking at that moment. She probably was thinking her mom didn't notice or care so i am done.
(Resume)After my aunt turned back around, she didn't ask her why she opened the door or anything she just shrugged it off i guess, i have no idea. A few minutes later my cousin opened the car door again and my uncle said he was going about 45mph. My cousin jumped out of the car, landed head first in a ditch and broke her neck. Her brother tried to grab her but he was to slow and couldn't grab her arm. They stopped the car, call the police and yadada. I don't know exactly what happened after that except when my mom told me she was dead when i got home from school….
(Past) My aunt and uncle live in a different state and my family would go to meet them and i could tell she was depressed from when i saw her but i guess everyone else thought that was her personality idk. The kicker out of this story is the fact that her mom was sad for like maybe 2 or 3 weeks. She missed days from work and yadada but after a month or so she pulled out of it quick and now its like SHE DOESN"T EXSIST!!
Is that how its supposed to be when somebody dies like that or are you supposed to move on without looking back?
Her suicide didn't effect me at that time but now it does cause i am feeling the same way she did. Sad, Depressed and Tired(not literally but you know…). My mom is doing the same thing her mom was doing. Not noticing the damn signs. I don't even know what to do anymore. When ever i try to talk to my mom it usually starts argument which is always about school. My grades are really bad right now, 18 so much for being a Senior…… For some reason i cannot concentrate in school. Especially English, i always fall asleep because i have trouble sleeping or i daydream about not being here( here meaning not in that class).
I decided to ask this question because of something my mom said to me the other day. She told me that she started "not to get me anything for my birthday because i am lazy, not working hard, and taking advantage of the fact that she gives and gives….." then she continues and says "I am tempted not to get you anything for Christmas". I asked her if she was serious and she yelled "YES".
I didn't know what to say to that so i left the room.I have been thinking about what my parents life would be like if i weren't here. Lets see… they wouldn't have there blood pressure raised for my failures. The bills wouldn't be as high. Uhhhh they wouldn't have to buy me things, more money for them….. woohooo…….
I have been reading about suicide online and people say suicidal people never think about the grief left behind for others. Well i have been thinking about it; look at my aunt, she made it and is happy showing no signs of depression or anything. I think my family will be alright. Friends? Well friends come and go anyway. Girlfriends? HAHA only in my dreams….. lol
I have also been thinking of what would happen if i like…. committed suicide like my cousin and be forgotten too. I am actually hoping that happens, as a matter of fact i am counting on it.
I can't tell you to not kill yourself though thats probably what you want. So please don't. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Keep your head up.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Sweety,
I'm so sorry about your cousin, and I can understand where you are coming from. However, just because your Aunt appears to be alright now, doesn't mean she is. Everybody deals with tragedy differently. She may be in denial, she may be doing all she can to stop thinking about it because it pains her too much, or she may just be putting on a face for everyone while she is broken inside. What happened to your cousin is tragic, but she may have been going through things in her social life that you didnt know about, not necessarily anything to do with the way her family was. You are loved by your family no matter how you may feel. Don't ever feel you are not wanted or will be forgotten. Your life is precious, treasure it. As hard as it gets sometimes it always gets better. As difficult as it may seem now, in the horizon ahead is a bright future for you. Maybe you are suffering from depression? Have you thought about seeing your doctor to prescribe you with something to make you feel better?
Parents get mad and stressed themselves sometimes. And a lot of the time they can take it out on the ones they care about the most. Thats what life is like sometimes. Your parents may be having issues right now that are keeping them from appearing "caring" but it doesnt mean they dont. Talk to your mom about how you are feeling, she would hate to know that you feel so strongly about them not caring. But I'm pretty sure it goes without saying. You seem like a very intelligent young woman, no matter what life brings, or throws at you, it is what makes you stronger in the end. You will pull through! Just stay positive and understand how much you are loved. You say your mom isnt noticing the signs, but in all honesty I expect your mom doesnt think you would feel that way so she doesnt think anything. If your parents didnt care they would never have bought you anything for Christmas throughout your life, never made an effort at all. However it is only now you notice their behavior. Maybe like I said you have depression, or maybe it is the incident of your cousin playing in your mind whether consiously or unconsciously.
Oh and I have no "girlfriends" either hehe most of them are two faced anyway! It isnt until you go out to work part time or go to college you make real friends. And if you don't, so what? You have your whole life ahead of you to meet your soul mate, make a life for yourself, have children who will love you unconditionally, not to mention every other delights that come in life. It isnt all bad I promise you. I know someone who is proof of that.
Everything will be alright, dont lose faith in how much you are loved, no matter how it may seem sometimes.
Ayy yo you didn't ask to be here, it's their damn fault you are. Not yours. They should have realized what was gonna happen when they didn't put that condom on. If you think they would be a whole lot better off without you, then by all means think it. But realize that they took that on. And if you 18, then get a job and find a cheap *** studio apartment and live by yourself and finish highschool, etc etc.
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